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Of All The Sad Words... Below are 10 entries, after skipping 10 most recent ones in the "iheldyouclose" journal:

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May 13th, 2005
07:22 pm

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I Need a Title...
Yesterday i received a letter, and a very special token: A Green Rubber Band. This means alot to me. i now have something to look at and remind me of her when she is not around to talk to. I find she fills my thoughts constantly. I found myself up at 4am smiling at her picture. And when i woke up all i could think about was her.... Phone call! oh, it's just Morgan... lol... sorry if that sounds bad, Morgan is a great girl, i was just hoping it was someone else... Morgan is at an All American Rejects concert and was just very excited lol, i hope she is having fun... anyway... saturday (tomorrow) marks two weeks of us... i don't know what you want to call us, i don't really care, its just a great feeling and i know that we love eachother.

I am heading home tomorrow, and will be there until the 18th, so that is Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and back to Marquette Wednesday night. At home my cell phone doesn't work, or work very well that is, i have like one bar of digital and when it goes to analog its roaming. Also my parents have... dial up... this all bothers me because i feel like i will be so out of contact with her...

i <3 you hope

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: rainy

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May 11th, 2005
10:10 pm

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What to write?
Ever since i stopped being emo emo - i am still musically emo (what? i like the stuff), i have found it hard to write. It seems like that is all i have know. However, now i have a beautiful woman, whom i love; so i don't have much to write about on the emo front. I could just gush and gush about her, but i will spare you. Now i mostly feel happiness, and some nervousness... i don't want to lose her. *says to himself* "Take it day-by-day" ... sometimes i get the feeling that i am trying to be too perfect, trying to be too much; i need to remember the stuff that got us here, and add that to the mushy stuff we talk about now. My biggest fear is boredom and me losing her. She just called; god i love her, *sigh*. I have never had feelings like this...

i <3 you Hope

Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: tv

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May 7th, 2005
03:58 am

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Cloud Nine
3:55am... i woke up, i was sleeping... i think she is asleep now... *sigh* she is so beautiful, i wish i could hold her... we talked for about 2 and a half hours on the phone today, and online for sometime as well... this has been the way it has been for about a week now. I love the way she makes me feel. I love her. I love her silly ways, her cute laugh, her sweet voice and the lovely messages she leaves for me to wake up and find =)  She puts crazy thoughts and feelings into my head and heart that i have never had before; and i think i do the same for her... if anyone has wondered where i have been (ie Online and irl) i have just been spending my time on cloud nine with an angel =)

p.s. no i am not bored =P

<3 <3 <3

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: candle light... no sounds

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May 4th, 2005
12:43 am

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Smiles
Feeling better. i just need sleep now. *Smiles*
thanks Hope.
<3

Current Mood: numbalmost there

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May 3rd, 2005
05:41 pm

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What's up with me?
i didn't sleep at all last night, or rather very much. i think from about 6am - 9am is when i finally slept. i remember at 6ish i got up and took two ibprofrines which made me feel much better. my eyes hurt, my head hurt, my teeth hurt, my nose was completely stuffed. There were times when i found it hard to breathe. When i woke up my eyes were red and dried mucus had formed at each nostril. the dried salt trails on each cheek were still visible. all symptoms and signs of loneliness.

i just don't feel important or special. no one has ever done anything to show to me that i am, therefor i must not be. i feel like everyone is wanting me to be happy with someone - just, not them. "Pass Erik off" they think, all the while telling me how wonderful and sweet i am, and how happy i will make someone... "hopefully he'll be someone else's..."

and just this afternoon i get back from an exam, which i think i did great on. i got back my mid-term from that class, which was an A-. but what is the the next thing i do? i crawl into bed, and pull a pillow over my head.

i don't understand. is everything in order? am i not smart enough? am i not funny enough? do i smell bad and have bad teeth? is my hair all messy? do i not give attention to those who i care about? am i not sweet or nice enough? do i dress poorly? am i too overly kind? i know i am shy and quiet. i know am not the most attractive guy. i dunno, thinking i deserve love makes me sound selfish... but that is all i...

*deep breaths*

...all i want is to have someone to hold and to love... to be happy... but are there any takers? it's not that hard, i'll do most of the work.

sometimes i get the feeling that i am sweet to people and thats not what they want from me. Like "Oh, thanks Erik, that was nice of you" all the while they are thinking "why is he doing this? i hope he doesn't like me like that. i could do so much better then this guy." ... i know, i am not that dream guy :( but at least...humor me?

i am not perfect. i don't have all the lines; i can't deliver them on cue...

so this is how summer break begins?

try to put on a happy face... the world loves winners...

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: none

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May 1st, 2005
08:29 pm

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May 1st
What an interesting First of May.
I had one of the most involved conversations with someone last night. One of the last things she said to me made me happy. To know that there are such beautiful people out there makes me smile. Thanks for the pleasant thoughts and feelings... you know who you are :)

After i woke up i went to meet my dad, he came up to Marquette to pick up some building supplies for new garage, i swear this thing he is building is worth about as much a house... infact it has a room, upstairs, in if. Next we had lunch.

... :)

Current Mood: pleasedin awe
Current Music: family guy

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April 28th, 2005
05:12 pm

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Time
I didn't know why but i had a headache. I took two Tylenol to easy the pounding. The early morning sun had disappeared, and covered Marquette with its gray wool blanket. The mask of clouds cooled the city. I looked at the thermometer, it said "45". I examined the digital wall clock. An amber-brown wood trimed device. It had an upper display for the time. Temperature, date, and moon phases were all portrayed in the bottom panel. i took note of the indoor temperature and time: 72.4, 5:16pm, 4/28, THU. So cold. So dark. I looked over at my callalillie; she looked sick and i felt bad. "Krystal likes callalillies" i thought to myself. Its weird how things remind you of people, songs have always done it for me, but never a plant.
"5:20pm" yelled the clock. What did i have to do? nothing was the answer. A car door opens, loud music leaks out of the yawning automobile. The door slams a minute later and the car departs. "Dinner?" i thought. I had already eaten. Grilled cheese and oven fries. Not as good as the beef and chicken taco dinner lynne had made for me the night before, but still filling. Its amazing how much good company can make a meal all the more better. Where were these people off to? i pondered. I wasn't sure who it was, Kristen and her man had left some time ago, maybe it was Kayla or Olivia? Natalie is Kristen's roomate. I never knew it until just a couple of weeks ago. Athletic build, with light brown hair that ran about a quarter of the way down her back, and lots of freckles. "Sun worshiper" i said to myself. I have only seen her in passing, always friendly; saying "hello", nothing more then a few words to each other. I always thought she was cute, and it would make me smile to exchange a few words with her.
"5:28pm" cried out from the south wall of the apartment. Thirty-two more minutes until the nightly news. I always try and watch the local nightly news at 6pm, and then the World News at 6:30pm, that was my weekday ritual. Man my head hurt. Maybe i'll take ibuprofen?

Current Mood: blankblank

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April 24th, 2005
10:02 pm

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Everythings done but the tests!
    What did i do to my font!? Hmm, thats better... not so bold, but still, i use Century Gothic, and this looks very Times New Roman... maybe it'll change back when i post it.

    Anyway, i am done. Three papers, one
presentation (that will be given on Wednesday) and 37 pages of writing later its over. : ) O' The relief. I finally feel better about being lazy. I did some major room cleaning; and it looks much better. So, other then tests (pssh, exams, piece of cake) i am done, and i think to myself "One more semester". This one is over, what will the next one be like? Will it be anything like this one? ... i dunno. I have met some great people. However, i have not met that one person... or i don't think i have, never say never, right? That reminds me of  part of a conversation i had last night with my friend Krystal. Side note, Krystal is an awesome conversationalist, and one of the smartest freinds i have to talk with; and i am not just saying that because i know she reads these posts. Anyway i won't go into detail, but i was described what this potential "mate" would look like, i can think of a couple girls who would fit the description, but i we don't know if i have met this person. Oh well, we'll see who comes along =P

    I kinda got distracted there... where was i? Oh, classes ending. yeah, so that will be good. Just have exams to look forward to, and of course summer! Which reminds me too, that Helen, if you are reading this, we should get going on that radio show stuff. i would just need to know what time(s) would be good for you to do a show, and i guess whatever else the station needs to know...

Okay, i guess that will do.
Night.

Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: We write the wrong

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April 22nd, 2005
06:04 pm

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Back to personality stuff

Note, i am an INFJ.

INFJs:

  • value personal integrity and "being true to yourself"
  • are on a lifelong search for a unique identity and meaning; spirituality is important to us
  • can be hard to get to know, depending on the other person (reciprocity)
  • are sometimes seen by others as cold and hard on the outside
  • can be difficult to "peg"; sometimes INFJs may not even recognise fellow members of their own type
  • may find it easier to express their deepest feelings and sentiments non-verbally or in writing
  • abhor evil or injustice, especially that directed towards the innocent or helpless
  • are sometimes looked upon by others as naive, mostly due to our idealism
  • can be quite gullible; many INFJs build up a protective armour over the years to protect against this and being "used" by others
  • enjoy thoughtful discussion but dislike arguing for argument's sake, as this often degenerates into ugly conflict
  • are bookworms, love bookstores and libraries
  • are affiliative; get stressed and cannot survive for extended periods without company
  • rarely get into conflict, but when it erupts, can be very bitter
  • aren't terribly career-minded
  • love personality tests and other self-improvement tools
  • love quotes/quotations and are often "philosophers" or "theologists"   
  • need to confide in others and express opinions and feelings about others: Fe-ing (Feeling extraverted)
  • are "Directors" who give advice, though usually more subtly than most other Directors.
  • "Mute withdrawal is a major INFJ defense."
  • often have "oceanic" memories where details are recalled through intuitive leaps and thought association
  • Stats

    Rarest personality type; estimated 2% of population.

    Characteristics

    • private
    • sensitive
    • quiet leaders
    • great depth of personality - intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even themselves
    • introverted
    • abstract in communicating
    • live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities - part of an unusually rich inner life
    • abstract in communicating
    • artistic (and natural affinity for art), creative, and easily inspired
    • very independent
    • orderly view towards the world but within themself arranged in a chaotic, complex way only they could understand

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01:09 am

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Dinner at the Money Table
I've got a day and a reason Why I should not believe in..anything, anymore What's this for? My time well spent I've got all these memories that I cannot believe in Cause I don't know where I've been all these years All these years And do you know this reason I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up And we all know what you've done again I can see right through you You're making your way over again..again Two days after leaving and I don't have a reason to keep you from being here I don't steer these thoughts away I know that you know this but I could never get you to believe all my fears Is this your clear? I think so And do you know this reason I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up and we all know what you've done again I can see right through you You're making your way over again..again..again..and again And do you know this reason? I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up And we all know what you've done again I can see right through you You're making your way over again..again..again And do you know this reason? I hope that you can see it. Cause I will not give up and we all know what you've done again I can see right through you You're making your way over again..
The Early November ~ Dinner at the Money Table

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: just what's in my head

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